McDaniel Family
My husband and I finally got together 6 years after falling in love at 15 in October 2010. On December 10th I found out that I was pregnant. I was terrified because we hadn't been together very long but he was so supportive and so excited to expand our family. It was my first pregnancy and I was sick the entire time. At around 10 weeks along, I got sick. I could barely get out of bed and my lymph node in my neck was the size of a ping pong ball. I thought I had the flu or something and went to the doctor who told me I had mono. It didn't make much sense but that was what they assured me it was and that it would not affect my baby at all.
Fast forward to St. Patrick's Day 2011. We had our gender scan and I just knew he was a boy. I was seeing a high risk OB due to previous issues I had and I believed I was in good hands. When they did my ultrasound, they found that I had very low amniotic fluid. They didn't stress to me the severity of my issue before sending me to the perinatal center at the hospital. They assured me it would all be fine but were unable to see gender. I was disappointed but that was quickly overtaken by sheer terror. I had felt like something was wrong the whole pregnancy after being ill but I kept getting brushed off by my doctors. They never once mentioned CMV to me or did any tests/more frequent ultrasounds. Nothing. Upon arriving at the perinatal center, we were quickly taken back where another ultrasound was done. A doctor then came in and told us that we should abort the pregnancy and these things happen sometimes. When I asked if we could do tests so we would know what caused it, he told me he would not be running any. We left the hospital in total shock and sorrow.
However, I, being a woman of faith, believed. I went into survival mode. I truly believed that he would prove that doctor wrong. I immediately went on a search for a MFM in a different hospital and found a terrific one. The doctor told me that while our case was not a good one and he didn't believe that there would be a healthy baby, he wanted to do everything he could to take care of the both of us. Looking back, I believe that he spent the next 10 weeks doing everything he could because I wasn't ready to let him go. This doctor spent the next 10 weeks monitoring me and testing us to ensure that this wouldn't happen again (as much as one can control anyway). He saw me every single week without fail and quickly answered all my emails and calls. Every week, he reminded me that I may come in the next week and he may not have a heartbeat. Thankfully, that never happened. He was a huge part of my support system while we came to terms with things. My doctor didn't believe in medical abortions but was happy to send us to someone if that's what we decided to do but honestly, it was never something I could do. I needed nature to take its course and Connor did SO WELL in my belly. It was after he was born that he would not be "compatible with life".
Around 24 weeks, we found out that CMV caused all of the issues we were experiencing as well as his gender. I was working with a family as a nanny before I knew I was pregnant and when I got "mono" it was actually CMV and to top it all off, I probably got it from doing what I loved. Then, we had our last (which we didn't know at the time) appointment with my doctor on May 19th, 2011. At our appointment, we learned that the CMV also affected my placenta and the flow to him was failing. He was essentially going to die because my body couldn't do what it needed to do. He sent me home to gather my things and be admitted to L&D. We were admitted by that night and the next morning, things had decreased to the point where we had to make a choice. Were we going to deliver him and attempt to save his life (if he was trying to breathe on his own becuase the doctor wasn't sure that he would or could) or were we going to wait and deliver him after he passed.
At this point, all I wanted was to have as much time as possible with my baby. We decided to do a c-section the next day but things deteriorated by the afternoon before and before I knew it, we were in an OR delivering our son. My son was born on May 20, 2011 at 3:08pm weighing 1lb and 8oz and fighting. I remember thinking how amazing it was that I made this beautiful little human and then being totally overcome with dread because I had no idea what was going to happen. He passed away due to complications from CMV (cytomegalovirus) on May 21, 2011. When he passed away at around 5am, I had not gotten to hold him or even see him since around 4pm the day before when they transferred him to St. Louis Children's Hospital. I had an emergency c-section and spent the 14 hours he was alive trying to get them to let me go see him. It was not until almost 8 hours later that I finally got to see him. They kept him warm and while I didn't really notice as much at the time (I think I probably blocked it out), he was badly bruised and being that he was premature (27 weeks) and the time between his death and my seeing him, his little body wasn't in great shape.
I wish at the time that a cuddle cot had been an option. I felt rushed in my goodbye with my son and I wish so much that I had a little more time. The nurses at the children's hospital were angels and got me imprints of his hands and feet, pictures, ink prints of his feet, and a lot more. They gave me things I didn't know I wanted at the time but wouldn't get in the mail for a few weeks. When we left, I wanted to take something with me but all that was in his bassinet was a hand crocheted blanket and a teddy bear they gave him. I couldn't leave him alone or cold so I left both. I will be honest, it didn't totally hit me until the next day when I was discharged. We were wheeled down the hall (God bless nurses, they tried so hard to make sure I didn't go past any babies or moms but there's only so much they could do) past rooms with happy parents and sounds of babies. I tried so hard not to cry but there I was being wheeled out of the hospital feeling completely empty, cut open and stitched back together, and there was no baby to show for it. That was quite possibly the second most heart wrenching moment of this whole ordeal (after leaving my son).
I sincerely wish that I could keep any parent from feeling the gut-wrenching loss of a child but since I don't have that power, I would like something good to come from Connor's death. I want someone else to have the time they need or want with the child they have to say goodbye to. No parent should have to go through that but as a fellow mom, I want every mom to feel like she got to say goodbye to her baby in her time. I want every dad to have his moment where he doesn't have to be strong.
