Jenna Laque
I lost my precious baby girl, Haven Sienna, January 26, 2019. It is a day that changed the rest of my life, it is a day that I realized how fragile and precious life really is, and most importantly that life can change in a heartbeat (just like when the ultrasound tech looks at you and says “I’m sorry she doesn’t have a heartbeat”). The moment I heard those words all I remember is sweating and crying uncontrollably wanting to crawl out of my skin. I honestly couldn’t process what the ultrasound tech had said to me, I was convinced they could fix this. Little did I know I was about to endure the most heartbreaking, inhumane experience of my life. I would have to give birth to my precious baby that would not cry or take her first breath. For the first time in my life I understood the saying “When your back is against the wall”. I had no choice but to deliver a still baby. I was in labor for 61 hours. I sat in a hospital bed bracing myself to do the worst thing a woman would ever be asked to do. I remember them telling me to push one more time, and Haven came out, not crying or breathing, but perfectly still. I was so scared to hold her, I didn’t know this could happen to me. Then the moment came for my nurse to place Haven in my arms. I just cried looking how beautiful she was, she had ten little fingers, ten little toes, perfect eyebrows and a full head of hair. I am thankful I was able to hold her for the rest of that day. Then came the next worse thing a mother would have to do. I had to hand my baby to the nurse to take Haven away from me and I would never see her again. I wanted to rock her before they took her and I just sobbed as I rocked her to the song “just give me Jesus”. The nurse came back I kissed Haven on the head, and I had to give her to the nurse. I left the hospital without my baby and five days later I would have to forever part ways with her at her funeral.
I was going to be raising Haven as a single a mom. I was so scared at the thought of doing it alone but when I would feel her kick she made me feel like I could do it. I planned on my life with just me and Haven, I would say she was going to be my little best friend. Haven has changed and impacted my life in more ways than people really know, I just wish she was here to experience it. I would want her to know how much I love her and that until my last breath I will forever honor her. I would want her to know I wish I could have changed what happened and that I wish I had had the power to prevent what happened. As hard as it is to just get up in the morning, she will always be my reason to push to be the best version of myself. Just knowing that she is watching over me, motivates me. I want her to know that I think about her all the time and I will never stop talking about her. This baby girl makes me want to be a better person not only for myself but for others. I want her to know that I had a whole life planned for her and I, and I’m so sad that it is me without her now. I want her to know that I have pleaded with God to bring her back, I want her to know I would give my last breath just to hold her again. I know I will see her again one day, and until then I will live my life to honor her.