Our Story
In spring of 2018 we were very much surprised with a third pregnancy. We already had a 5 year old girl, Abigail, and a 2 year old boy, Michael. I had prayed a lot about whether or not we should try for another baby, this was an answer to my prayers - the icing on the cake! We quickly became very excited and it was the best spring and summer ever! We did things differently this time. We told everyone much earlier than our 1st two, found out the gender ahead of delivery with a small gender reveal party, and we easily decided on the name Matthew. There was just so much excitement!
When it came time for our anatomy scan (ultrasound) at 18 weeks we decided to take our daughter with us. Towards the end of the scan, my daughter asked me if the tech was looking at Matthew’s heart. I said no and at the same time the tech said yes. For my regular job I am a cardiac sonographer (I do ultrasounds of the heart), so I knew the ultrasound tech already looked at the heart; but I had no idea what she was looking at now. Shortly afterwards she stepped out to have the Dr review it. Then a very kind and compassionate doctor came in and he had that look. The look of deep despair. He saw my daughter in the room and had my husband take her out. That’s when he told me that my son had a very rare tumor called a Sacrococcygeal Teratoma (SCT). The prognosis was grim and termination was mentioned more than once. We were utterly devastated. We prayed so hard and so many other people were praying for us too - people that I didn’t even know. We found an online SCT support group that offered so much hope with stories of these babies surviving and thriving. We felt like things were going to be OK! We were sent to Boston Children’s Hospital (BCH) for a second opinion and more advanced testing. They too, shared the same level of concern as the previous Dr and again termination was mentioned several times. We made it clear, we were not going to terminate. They were very supportive and continued to monitor us.
Through some research we learned there was another option we had, called a Fetal Intervention which is typically done as a last resort, when the baby starts showing signs of distress. This is a highly complex and specialized surgery performed by a Fetal Surgeon and is only done in a handful of hospitals in the country. During this procedure, the surgeon opens the mom’s uterus to gain access to the baby’s teratoma, removes the teratoma, closes the baby's wound, puts the baby back into the mom’s uterus, closes up the mom and she continues to be monitored until the baby has developed enough to be born. The mom and 1 support person would have to relocate there for several months. The closest facility to us was Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) and our surgeon at Boston Children’s was in communication with them. The tumor quickly grew to more than half his body size. Then on Tuesday, October 9th, 2018, I received a call from our surgeon. She said the folks at CHOP had seen something concerning on the images and wanted to see us asap. So we kicked it into high gear. They had me head to the hospital for a quick blood pressure check and my husband stayed home with the kids all while scrambling to figure out the logistics of how we will make this work. I was filled with so many emotions - excitement, hope, fear, sadness and concern for having to leave my 2 kids for several months. Once I got checked into triage they checked my blood pressure, it was good. Then they decided to do a quick ultrasound. That’s when I heard those words that turn every pregnant mom's world into a living nightmare. “Kelley...your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat”. There are no words to describe what it’s like to hear that. I flew up from the table, took the ultrasound probe and started frantically scanning myself. I was determined that they were wrong and I was going to find his heart beating! But I didn’t. They sent me down for another ultrasound using a different machine and oh how I prayed for a miracle! But still there was no heartbeat. Matthew died inside me and I didn’t even know. How could that be? It was a true, living nightmare. I was incredibly devastated, hurt, angry and confused on many levels, all while feeling numb. I thought “How could God do this? Matthew was a gift from God, and he just took him away!?” I couldn’t comprehend what had happened. A couple hours later, I was sent home and had to explain to our children that even though Matthew was still in my belly, his soul was already in Heaven and he would not be coming home. That was the hardest, most heartbreaking conversation I have ever had to have, one that I wish on no one.
Two days later, I returned to the hospital for a c-section. After they delivered Matthew, they brought in a specialized cooling bassinet, that would allow us to spend time with Matthew. A cooling cradle slows the decaying process and allows stillborn babies to stay in their parents' room for several days. This allowed us time to hold him, sing and read to him, pray over him, cry for him and just love him. This is the only time we had with him; there will be no other memories, there will be no giggles, no firsts, no holidays. But we were so blessed and grateful to have the time we did. We had about 19 hours to spend with him before we were told to say our goodbyes. That time was unbelievably sacred. These cooling cradles are a total game changer. Could you imagine going through this, and then being told you cannot spend time with your much loved baby? I cannot. But a lot of families have no choice because their hospital doesn’t have one. Unfortunately, these bassinets are not required hospital equipment. Without a cooling cradle, families are forced to say their goodbyes much sooner. Oftentimes this is immediately after delivery- in that heavy fog that follows the traumatic chaos of giving birth to a silent baby. The one we used was donated to the hospital in memory of Henry Link Ebert, another baby that was born without a heartbeat.
It was through our personal experience with stillbirth, my very personal struggle with faith and a delayed, traumatic grief response from our then 5 year old daughter that Matthew's Gift Inc was founded in October 2019. We want to support these grieving families by donating Amish Cooling Cradles or CuddleCot’s in memory of their babies and special sibling kits to help those brothers and sisters work through their own grief, as they learn they won't be bringing their new baby home. As we grow, we hope to also include a parent support box. We want to ensure that every hospital in the USA has at least one cooling cradle. We feel that God put this on our hearts as a way to spread His love and to help others going through a similar experience. If you are one of these families, we want you to know that you are loved, you are not alone.
(More to follow on my struggle with faith and how God was right there with us before, during and after Matthew's delivery)
What We Are Donating
CuddleCot™ -each one in memory of a different baby - LEARN MORE
Sibling Support Kits – we have partnered with The Comfort Cub and These Precious Little People (book). They will also contain a journaling kit. LEARN MORE
For parents: We have partnered with Loved Baby – written by a fellow pregnancy loss mom on how to cope, grieve, and cherish your child after pregnancy loss.” LEARN MORE